Tag Archives: dumb

The Jonas Brothers – Tools of Satan’s Grand Scheme

Now, I know I’m jumping on a bandwagon here, and I may even be kicking a horse that is rotting on the ground, but I just can’t sit here and hold it in. THE JONAS BROTHERS ARE TEXTBOOK PRODUCTS OF INCEST! They are SO DUMB!  It has been mentioned that they were possibly created in the same petri dish by Disney scientists early on in the debate about cloning. Disney was immediately able to grasp the applications for cloning talent. But I say it’s incest. 

A fact that supports this claim is the name of the group before they chose their current title of “The Jonas Brothers.” It was “Sons of Jonas” which is totally lame and stinks of incest. You see Jonas, the father of the boys, was extremely fond of his relatives, and that’s why Satan was able to incorporate the Jonas brothers into his evil grand scheme and make them so popular with kids. Satan loves kids. But he prefers using children born of blood relations, or at least single mothers. How’s he supposed to use a legitimate child? God’s hand is too strong on legitimate children. Much too strong.

So, shortly after an incestuous union and conception, Nick Jonas was violently ejected from the bowels of Hell by Satan himself. It was only supposed to be one star at first, but due to problems with Disney licensing, he figured he’d better poop out three of them. He made it so that only one can grow facial hair just for kicks.

Satan does this every several years in a successful long-term effort to corrupt the youth and turn them away from God so Satan has a bountiful and continual source of sex slaves and forced labor. He’ll create a young star (or stars in the case of the Jonas brothers and ‘N Sync) that all the children can relate to, and have the star promise and commit themselves to abstinence and charity. Then at just the right time, Satan will say the word and that star will begin dabbling in heroin, homosexuality and their very own fashion lines. All the children who had at one time screamed their heads off and fainted and masturbated to that star will by this time have turned at least 15 or 16 years old. Then they are sure to become rebellious against their parents, setting them on a path toward destruction, violence and ultimately sex slavery with demons.

It’s yet to happen with the Jonas brothers. But any day now, especially with all these terrible rumors swirling that the band actually likes girls, we’re bound for disaster. Soon Satan will have his way with every child on planet earth!

Newscasters – Nearly Dumber than anything

Newscasters hold a special place of dumbness in the universe. They are like the Brahma of dumb, which is like, the very tippy-top in case you were wondering. Can you think of any serious newscaster that is not completely and utterly retarded? I challenge you, savvy reader, to think of one smart newscaster. You can’t, can you? Your mind is melting at the very thought of an intelligent newscaster. They are all spineless, motor-mouthed, alcoholic, wannabe, washed-up, know-it-all, muggle fuck-ups. If you don’t know what a muggle is I suggest you look it up on Wikipedia right NOW or else Voldemort will find your place of residence and throttle your dog or kitty or bird or fish or ferret whilst they still slumber! If you have gerbils he will stomp them to death. If you have bunnies he will drink their blood, rip off their heads and save their ears to use later as toilet paper.

I’ll give you an example of just how dumb newscasters can be. One of my local retarded newscasters is Patrick Nolan. GOD-DAMN YOU PATRICK NOLAN! I HOPE YOU EAT THE AIDS VIRUS OFF YOUR SMOOTHIE STRAW AND DIE! I HOPE SOMEONE CLAMPS YOUR EYES OPEN AND FORCES YOU TO WATCH YOURSELF UNTIL YOU REALIZE JUST HOW MUCH YOU LOOK LIKE SOME FUCKED UP DEMON ALIEN MONKEY SENT TO EARTH TO PUNISH THE RIGHTEOUS!

You may be wondering – “what in God’s green earth did PATRICK FUCKING NOLAN do to deserve this tirade?” I’ll tell you: he looks into the camera everyday with his pathetic plastic smile, and his bad greasy yet perfectly tossled hair, and pretends that he’s on OUR side when he’s really just a fucked up demon alien monkey sent to earth to punish the righteous. That’s right, he was sent here to punish us. And yet he continues covering extremely important stories like how Marta Suarez’s trailer has become infested with bees and can’t afford to get them out, and how minority children haven’t learned to read, and how strapped business owners haven’t paid their contractors, and BLA BLA BLA. I SAW YOU AT THE FUCKING LIBRARY, PATRICK NOLAN, AND YOU WERE WALKING AWAY FROM YOUR STUPID NEON GREEN HONDA DEL SOL, AND YOU DIDN’T CARE. YOU DIDN’T CARE AND NOW EVERYONE KNOWS SO YOU BETTER BE SORRY!

If you have any doubt about how dumb newscasters are, please, I urge you to watch your local news, and you will see the light. If you’re still not sure, then watch three hours of Nancy Grace and, I assure you, you would rather dig out your inner ear with a letter opener than continue to listen to that drunk redneck bitch drone away thinking she’s the savior of fucking mankind.