Top 10 Erection Day Headlines

I understand, election time is extremely stimulating for members of all parties. Yet there are those who will completely abuse the word erection by inserting it anywhere ‘election’ might be used. Apparently these acts are performed for no other purpose than for the sake of saying the word: erection.

People, I will tell you now. This is dumb. This is so dumb that you have to point out the OBVIOUS similarities between the two words. Election, erection. Election, erection. Election, erection. I GET IT! It’s an ERECTION YEAR!

Let’s just get your erection anxiety all rubbed out, folks. Here are my top 10 Erection Day headlines:

10: ERECTIONS are crucial pillars for upholding Democracy

9: Who’s getting paid for holding this year’s ERECTION?

8: Impressions of an American ERECTION

7: Florida is center of ERECTION storm central!

6: What pole will you trust for this ERECTION?

5: How to get children intersted in the ERECTION

4: ERECTION surprises hit the newspaper!

3: An ERECTIONEER’S case for Sarah Palin

2: Iowa goes berzerk as ERECTION draws near!

1: Sarah Palin projected to come out on top of the ERECTION!

Palin completes McCain – Top 5 Reasons Palin and McCain are perfect for one another

5. Looks

It’s no secret John McCain has a hideously dumb face. His cheeks look like butts. Or tits without nipples. I can’t decide. The republican party needed to sex up the McCain ticket, and bumper stickers on SUV’s everywhere. McCain’s wife isn’t up to the task of sexing up anything since she looks like a wrinkled strap of leather with a pair of bright blue eyes and a set of withered bosoms (and feet). The Republican party needed to find some fresh meat. And fresh meat they found – in the wilds of Alaska. Fresh meat with an orgasm of frosted bangs exploding out of her forehead. Fresh meat with an obvious willingness to breed. In fact, Palin is most certainly prepared to whore it up for your votes. Check out www.palingetsnakedforvotes.com! THAT’S how you sex-up a campaign ticket!

4. Age

McCain is longer in the tooth than Dick Cheney’s vampire fangs. Therefore the Republicans needed a VP that still has colored pubes. Colored pubes bring vitality. They bring life. They bring rainbows and butterflies and green gables back to John McCain’s dead and worthless dong. A verile and rock-hard dong is essential for the health of a nation. What the F do you think old Teddy Roosevelt meant when he said to carry a big stick?? 

3. Relation to Washington

McCain was born on a Naval Destroyer on a mission to sink the lost city of Atlantis. He has been a Washington insider since the dawn of Greek democracy. Palin on the other hand just recently Mapquested Wasilla, AK to Washington DC while stoned and found it was 4312.78 miles away. In Wasilla people don’t even speak English. Instead they babble to one another in tongues. If you weren’t aware, Sarah Palin is a Pentecostal. Yikes.

2. Oil

Palin is the governor of Alaska, which if you could roll the US in dough, that would be the wet spot. She was a chairperson of the Alaska Oil and Gas Conservation Commission for a year before she was elected governor. The mission of the Alaska Oil and Gas Conservation Commission is basically, according to their mission statement, to increase ultimate oil recovery without killing anybody in the immediate vicinity. Is it any coincidence that our current president’s family made their billions in oil production, and now the governor of the most oil rich state in the nation has been nominated for VP? NO WAY! Palin will spread wide and let oil companies owned by Bush-cronies drill deep and hard. They’ll get all up IN that wet spot.

1. Killing

Unlike McCain, Palin never killed anybody that we know of. Remember the Forrestal.

The Jonas Brothers – Tools of Satan’s Grand Scheme

Now, I know I’m jumping on a bandwagon here, and I may even be kicking a horse that is rotting on the ground, but I just can’t sit here and hold it in. THE JONAS BROTHERS ARE TEXTBOOK PRODUCTS OF INCEST! They are SO DUMB!  It has been mentioned that they were possibly created in the same petri dish by Disney scientists early on in the debate about cloning. Disney was immediately able to grasp the applications for cloning talent. But I say it’s incest. 

A fact that supports this claim is the name of the group before they chose their current title of “The Jonas Brothers.” It was “Sons of Jonas” which is totally lame and stinks of incest. You see Jonas, the father of the boys, was extremely fond of his relatives, and that’s why Satan was able to incorporate the Jonas brothers into his evil grand scheme and make them so popular with kids. Satan loves kids. But he prefers using children born of blood relations, or at least single mothers. How’s he supposed to use a legitimate child? God’s hand is too strong on legitimate children. Much too strong.

So, shortly after an incestuous union and conception, Nick Jonas was violently ejected from the bowels of Hell by Satan himself. It was only supposed to be one star at first, but due to problems with Disney licensing, he figured he’d better poop out three of them. He made it so that only one can grow facial hair just for kicks.

Satan does this every several years in a successful long-term effort to corrupt the youth and turn them away from God so Satan has a bountiful and continual source of sex slaves and forced labor. He’ll create a young star (or stars in the case of the Jonas brothers and ‘N Sync) that all the children can relate to, and have the star promise and commit themselves to abstinence and charity. Then at just the right time, Satan will say the word and that star will begin dabbling in heroin, homosexuality and their very own fashion lines. All the children who had at one time screamed their heads off and fainted and masturbated to that star will by this time have turned at least 15 or 16 years old. Then they are sure to become rebellious against their parents, setting them on a path toward destruction, violence and ultimately sex slavery with demons.

It’s yet to happen with the Jonas brothers. But any day now, especially with all these terrible rumors swirling that the band actually likes girls, we’re bound for disaster. Soon Satan will have his way with every child on planet earth!

Newscasters – Nearly Dumber than anything

Newscasters hold a special place of dumbness in the universe. They are like the Brahma of dumb, which is like, the very tippy-top in case you were wondering. Can you think of any serious newscaster that is not completely and utterly retarded? I challenge you, savvy reader, to think of one smart newscaster. You can’t, can you? Your mind is melting at the very thought of an intelligent newscaster. They are all spineless, motor-mouthed, alcoholic, wannabe, washed-up, know-it-all, muggle fuck-ups. If you don’t know what a muggle is I suggest you look it up on Wikipedia right NOW or else Voldemort will find your place of residence and throttle your dog or kitty or bird or fish or ferret whilst they still slumber! If you have gerbils he will stomp them to death. If you have bunnies he will drink their blood, rip off their heads and save their ears to use later as toilet paper.

I’ll give you an example of just how dumb newscasters can be. One of my local retarded newscasters is Patrick Nolan. GOD-DAMN YOU PATRICK NOLAN! I HOPE YOU EAT THE AIDS VIRUS OFF YOUR SMOOTHIE STRAW AND DIE! I HOPE SOMEONE CLAMPS YOUR EYES OPEN AND FORCES YOU TO WATCH YOURSELF UNTIL YOU REALIZE JUST HOW MUCH YOU LOOK LIKE SOME FUCKED UP DEMON ALIEN MONKEY SENT TO EARTH TO PUNISH THE RIGHTEOUS!

You may be wondering – “what in God’s green earth did PATRICK FUCKING NOLAN do to deserve this tirade?” I’ll tell you: he looks into the camera everyday with his pathetic plastic smile, and his bad greasy yet perfectly tossled hair, and pretends that he’s on OUR side when he’s really just a fucked up demon alien monkey sent to earth to punish the righteous. That’s right, he was sent here to punish us. And yet he continues covering extremely important stories like how Marta Suarez’s trailer has become infested with bees and can’t afford to get them out, and how minority children haven’t learned to read, and how strapped business owners haven’t paid their contractors, and BLA BLA BLA. I SAW YOU AT THE FUCKING LIBRARY, PATRICK NOLAN, AND YOU WERE WALKING AWAY FROM YOUR STUPID NEON GREEN HONDA DEL SOL, AND YOU DIDN’T CARE. YOU DIDN’T CARE AND NOW EVERYONE KNOWS SO YOU BETTER BE SORRY!

If you have any doubt about how dumb newscasters are, please, I urge you to watch your local news, and you will see the light. If you’re still not sure, then watch three hours of Nancy Grace and, I assure you, you would rather dig out your inner ear with a letter opener than continue to listen to that drunk redneck bitch drone away thinking she’s the savior of fucking mankind.

John Basedow – Rediculously Dumb

Let’s all take a moment of silence, and remember dumb “fitness celebrity”: John Basedow. He’s not dead, he’s just run out of enough money to make commercials with some low-budget whore whining the phrase “Fitness Made Simple” while some chubby guy tenderly humps a fitness ball. He would stand there looking sad and angry with his jean shirt open, exposing his carved man tits for fat ladies everywhere. His eyebrows are Vulcan-like, which upsets the Vulcans because they are totally smarter than dumbshit John Basedow, and they would take great pleasure in disintegrating his girly little ass.

Apparently Basedow continues his claim that he is a celebrity, despite a fake press release claiming he died in that tsunami disaster back in 2004. I think we all wanted him dead, and somebody had the glorious idea to pretend what it would be like if it actually happened. No! What actually happened was much more horrifying than you can ever imagine. Basedow was abducted by bonified fitness celebrity Richard Simmons. Then he was chained in an underground torture chamber for Simmons’ sick personal enjoyment. What, did you think Richard Simmons really stays fit sweating to the friggin OLDIES?